ANOTHER YEAR

Things I’ve realized this past year:

For every personal issue that I address and overcome, three new things replace it.

I don’t know if I have enough time or energy left to become the person I always dreamt I’d be.

My expectations cause most of my pain.

There’s a difference between being kind and being a people pleaser. I’m both. And I don’t like the latter.

The man who will befriend me, accept me, celebrate me, and comfort me, probably doesn’t exist and I will most likely spend the rest of my life alone.

I need to let go of the dream for a better life, but wonder how I will face each day without that hope.

Old, childless Aunties are left to the wayside.

It’s hard to be humorous while my heart is breaking.

Good customer service is becoming the exception.

Common sense is not common.

With the blast of new technology and social media, we now communicate instantly and ineffectively with millions, and rarely talk honestly with the person right next to us.

Somewhere along the line, “Please” and “Thank you” were replaced by, “I gotta go pee” and “My bad”. We are advancing into a new form of ignorance that is less than charming.

Nature and nonhuman creatures have nourished and saved me this year.

The instincts of motherhood, the potency of a hot flash, or the intensity of grief, could power a city.

New body ailments crop up out of nowhere every couple of months. Apparently, I can no longer raise my arms above my head without getting a cramp in my ribcage. Makes for an interesting chest x-ray. And mammogram.

Grosse Ile has a secret mafia consisting of a well-organized, well-established gang of gray-hairs called the Grosse Ile Garden Club. Although we’ve never met, word has it that I’ve stepped on a few well-manicured toes by competing with their annual fundraising calendar. I also hear that although they will not break your legs, they may kick you in the shin. Or pull your hair. Haha.

I didn’t have my annual “curative date” this year – the one that cures me of my relationship-envy for a while. Last year’s was with an online man who was the most physically unattractive person I’ve ever met. I know that I’m an overweight, under average looking old woman, but this guy was reminiscent of an animated version of one of Rocky’s Siberian boxing opponents, and although I was stunned at first, I’m nothing if not gracious, and surprisingly, he had swagger, so we proceeded to have a good dinner and a few laughs. At the end of the night he gifted me an open-mouthed slobbery face-kiss. I waited until he left to wipe away his drool with my sleeve. Funny thing is, I actually considered seeing him again, but he never called. Haha. Joke’s on me.

My 15 pound Pomeranian and equally girth-y cat, Allie, have trained me and now rule my residence.

My last lover probably thought himself God-like with all the noise I made. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the moment we commenced, I got a cramp in my ribcage, my calf, my toes, and my back.

The last time I went to my closet, I could only find one dress that still fit, and I had to Fabreeze it because it smelled musty. And the bright red patent leather heels that I keep on my dresser as a reminder of my girly girl? Still unworn, but regularly dusted. An optimist? Hardly. Maybe a die-hard.

I love quickly. And I can’t live a guarded life. I guess it’s just not my way. I’m sure I could learn, but I’d rather take the hits than become cold and bitter. Upside? My recovery time is improving.

It is a testament to my restraint and some version of good mental health that I haven’t punched someone in the throat.

I will probably continue my New Year’s Eve tradition of watching, “The Twilight Zone” marathon on the Sci-Fi channel, but I will fall asleep long before midnight.

So much has happened this year. New friends. Reconnections. Endings. Too many hurt feelings, lost loved ones, turmoil. Too much spinning my wheels in place. I’m exhausted. Maybe people go out and drink on New Year’s Eve because they know they’re getting ready to start it all over again in January. Ugh.

Last year’s mantra of, “Just breathe”, has been replaced with, “All righty then . . .”

I once wrote about how I wanted to be remembered after my passing; the things I hoped that people would say; my generosity, kindness, honesty. That was over a year ago, though it seems like a lifetime, and boy have I changed. No words need to be written, there is nothing to video tape, or read from paper at a podium, no collages need to be made, and no one needs to sing for me, as I once wished. I know that there have been two times in my life when I sat bedside while someone died. Because of me, they were not alone. And I think they died easier. If that’s the best I do in this life, then that’s okay. I will say, though, it would also be nice if someone laughs when they think of me, and no one spits when they hear my name; or maybe the spitting is okay too . . . at the very least I would’ve riled someone. Haha.

“…every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.” – From the movie, “Vanilla Sky”.

I wish you all the best in the New Year.

xoJulia

SHOES ZOOMD ME

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Categories: Grief/Healing, Holidays/Birthdays, Humor | Tags: , , , , | 19 Comments

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19 thoughts on “ANOTHER YEAR

  1. Lynn Gardner

    Words cannot express how deeply I felt what you just wrote. You are a true friend and I can see beyond your pain and know there are brighter days ahead. Keep your head held high for you deserve praise for being a very special “being”…..

  2. Sue Read

    Julia, My heart goes out to you! You have to be amazing to be able to put your feeling out there for other to read! I am not that brave or amazing. I don’t have a life or people I hang around with. You know how people say i feel your pain well I truly do. But Don’t give up it is never to late for you till you are gone. I hope I can one day be as strong as you

    • Dear Sue….your words really touch me. Thank you so much. I’m not that brave or amazing either….and most times I don’t want to write anything when I’m feeling down, but I think that sometimes it’s good to just write what’s there inside of me and let others see my pain and know that they are not alone in theirs. Whether we “have a life” or people to hang out with, we are all basically alone with ourselves……those moments with friends or familly….they are gifts. Thank you for your gift of this note today. And, although you may not have people to hang with, you have a friend here. I’m your peeps. Take care, sister Sue. xoJulia

      • Sue Read

        Thank you I haven’t told anyone yet but I have had a stroke and have lost most of my eyesight and have a hard time getting out of bed. I have learned how to walk without a cane so i guess I have made some progress , but my eyesight will never return so I can no long drive or go to a store alone again. That is the hard part. I feel like giving up all the time but my mental health professional pulls me out of it. I will take care you do the same. xoSue

      • Sue, My heart just dropped when I read your words. I am so sorry to hear this news. I feel so humbled and ashamed of my whining when I realize how you’re struggling too. I hope that you share this news soon and allow those who love you, friends or family, to help you during this terribly difficult time. Please email me anytime you’d like to talk, vent, cry, yell, or laugh. I’m here for you. My email address is on my fb info page. Take good care and all my love to you, dear friend. xoJulia

  3. Keith

    thank you

  4. I wept while reading this, because you said a lot of what I feel but cannot express. Thank you for that.
    Blessed New Year to you!

    • Claudia, thank you so much for sharing my pain with me and allowing me to know yours. I wish you wonderful joyful days in the year ahead. xoJulia

  5. Wishing you all the best in 2014, Julia. Don’t give up on your hopes and dreams, live each day to the fullest.

    • Thank you so much, Patti, for reading my stuff, for your encouragement and support, and for caring. The healing, joy, and satisfaction come largely in the sharing. So thank you. xoJulia

  6. The gifts that you have , writing and creative visual art, bears a price. Not many people realize when artists create they GO THERE..
    The place where others flee from…in all kinds of ways… alcohol, drugs dangerous liasons, a place where pain resides, as well as joy. From this place artists create..not without a steep price..but we have each other and the promise that work born of pain and joy is worth GOING THERE.
    You are not alone Julia…you are in great company. I love your writings and your gutsy truth. Thank you…and as far as the Grosse Ile, Garden Club ..if they were smart they would hire you to create there calendar next year! Happy Brand New 365!! All those fresh pages just waiting for you..

    • Thank you so much, Patty Izzo! I needed to hear those words….and you’re just the one I needed to hear them from. What a gift you are. Thank you, my dear friend. xoJulia

  7. jeff heck

    LOVED THIS! Happy New Year, sweetheart! xo

  8. Your honesty is riveting. True writing. A real memoir. Authors would be envious of how real you express yourself. I’m hoping that letting this all out, helps in some way. It gives room for hope. It makes space for the better moments to come. Sometimes we look ahead and miss that millisecond sparkle of the snowflake. I hope you know, just like that snowflake, you are unique and special, and still sparkle in my eyes. Even more beautifully by bearing your soul so bravely. I still believe your life is more of a comedy than tragedy (watch Stranger Than Fiction starring Will Ferrell). Hugsss

    • You are too generous with your compliments, my dear friend, but I thank you for them all the same. lol. But I know these words come straight from your amazingly warm and loving heart, so I thank you with all of mine….xoxo You are such a gift. Thank you. Love to you always. xoJulia

      • Love to you snowflake! You really are special, and your honesty of what lies within is inspiring… Keep being you….. hugs and much love to youuuu

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