I hate shopping. It requires two things guaranteed to make me crabby: trying on clothes and looking in a full-length mirror. Both are pure torture. Ugh!

 No longer able to deny the addition of my 25 lb muffin top or my upcoming 35th high school class reunion, I walk into the fashion outlet feeling fat and disproportionate, and packing, amongst other things, a very large attitude.

I seek camouflage in the form of a light, casual summer dress, and bring an armful of options into the ridiculously small, stuffy fitting room.

I disrobe and look in the mirror. And . . . gasp.

“Just breathe.” I whimper to the skinny girl within, as I stick my tongue out at the sweating, menopausal woman reflecting back at me.

“I swear something’s wrong with this mirror” I groan and hear a snicker from somewhere off in the distance.

I put the first dress on backwards. I struggle to pull it off my clammy self and in the midst of the struggle I get a muscle cramp . . . in – my – RIBCAGE! I have to bend over and just stand that way for a minute until it passes. Really? Are you kidding me?

The piped-in music starts playing some loud and unkind blend of rock and rap and it feels like someone’s poking me in the eardrums with a stick. Good grief, I’m getting old.

I try on several more dresses to no avail and the incredibly small airless room begins to close in.

“Just breathe.” I chant.

I put on one dress that is so ill-fitting that it gets stuck somewhere between mid-muffin top and my monstrous mug and requires a concentrated effort to get off without damaging the dress or dislocating an arm.

An hour later, I emerge from the fitting room wringing wet and exhausted.

I nod at the attendant who looks at me questionably as she counts my damp, wrinkled rejected dresses and takes the plastic, blue, number-of-items ticket from my sweaty hand.

Although I am emotionally, physically, and financially spent, I leave the store triumphant, because I have somehow discovered the proverbial needle in a haystack; a cute new dress that will serve my needs well. It’s colorful and casual camouflage!

 Yay me!

Shoes and accessories?

That’s for another day! It should be shopping that’s easier on my ego though. I don’t know . . . do feet gain weight?

Sheesh, do I need bigger shoes?!

Categories: Holidays/Birthdays, Humor, Physical Health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

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30 thoughts on “DRESS SHOPPING – UGH!

  1. Lynn Gardner

    Lol! I can relate, especially the dislocation of an arm! Julia, you speak for all us woman and the stuggles of mid-life and still manage to make us laugh. Thank you…..lol xoxo

  2. I love it! I also love the fact I don’t need to go out shopping. B-)

    • Don’t you know it?! Ha ha ha! Shopping for the shoes was SO much easier! Even with fatter feet! lol Thanks, Patti! xo Julia

  3. I am never going to a reunion again because if I do I will have to buy a new dress. I just am not strong enough to do that! Love the photos 🙂

  4. Desiree Mate

    Oh my god! I have felt like that in the past, the store mirror and what I thi k I see are 2 different things:)

  5. Lynn Marchant

    As you were trying on that first dress BACKWARDS – I could have sworn you were describing ME some years ago, Julia!!! Were you actually lurking within those changing rooms, when (on a rare trip out) I lived this exact, same nightmare? Your description is so utterly identifiable and HILARIOUS!!!
    Your ‘CLAMMY self’ and ‘in the midst of the STRUGGLE’ does say it all so well!!! And ‘thank-you’ for making me laugh in retrospect, at an episode in my own Life, that was UTTER humiliation at the time.
    … Might I add: ‘wrestling match’ and ‘volcano under pressure’ as a ‘blanket’ description of the whole trying-on procedure? I recall coming up for air during the process and seeing something crimson, puffy and abhorrent in the mirror – which to this day, I still REFUSE to recognise.
    Loved that you finally emerged victorious and with a cute, new ‘trophy’.
    For myself, I found that anything that allows the breeze to enter and drapes generously (of course, I COULD be describing the structure of A TENT, but … NO) is what best STILL does me justice.
    Welcome to the ‘MATURE WOMEN’S CLUB’, Dear Julia! That Age when we graciously advance in Wisdom and in being, or having to be …. EXTRA-discerning about what we wear!

    • I love your comment, Lynn! Your words always make me smile. I’m so glad that it made you chuckle and brought back such fine memories (lol). It’s so funny….at this stage of life I am more comfortable in my skin than ever before and yet, at the same time, at total odds with my body. But I’m striving to worry less about my appearance and just enjoy the moments. Thanks for reading and leaving me such a wonderful note. xoxo Julia

  6. joanie

    Haha, man, do I feel your pain. Luv & hugs, girl friend!

  7. Oh, Jules do I know that feeling lol! And the damned lighting makes it even worse. I do not like shopping anymore and all my skinny clothes are gone (well most anyway except for a few suits and India type outfits).I still think just maybe I’ll fit into them again! Ha! In my dreams…so I feel ya about the fun task of clothes shopping. Oh, and yes feet grow as we get through the seasons, so you may expect the next size up.
    Love the dress you found! My favorite color. Wear it with pride and dignity, after all it’s you, the person that counts!
    XOXO Denise

    • Thanks so much, Denise! I’m glad (I think?) that you can relate to this! ha ha! I have a closet full of clothes that I don’t fit into! Sheesh! It’s time to clean it out, but then it’ll be empty and I don’t have the budget to restock it! lol I love the way this dress makes me feel – and I’m working on not being so self-conscious about the way I look – I think that there are far more important attributes to a person. But I’m really feeling fired up to get some of this poundage off! Of course I have to wait til this weather breaks. Thanks so much for reading and leaving a kind word, Denise! xoxo Julia

      • You are always most welcome Julia- you are such a sweet person and FB friend!
        I am comfortable with my body mostly these days ( praying and receiving stable, if not improved health). I get so sick of the ads that pressure women to look like a teenager their entire lives. In some cultures the anorexic look would be seen as bad and the voluptuous look excellent!
        Got out of the mind set that I should struggle to reduce-my diabetes medicines just puts it back on, so let inner beauty shine and light up light up the world! For each of us. The glow makes us beautiful just as we are. Denise xoxox

      • Thank you so much, Denise. And you are SO correct! Society has beaten us down into believing that the unnatural is beautiful and natural aging isn’t. We need to do all of our future women of the world a favor, and teach them otherwise. We need to be the example…..of gracefully accepting the changes our age brings to us. Thanks so much for your comments, Denise. And thanks for reading! xoxo Julia

    • Lynn Marchant

      Yes, indeed, Denise … on the feet ‘thing’. Pre-menopause I had (shall we say) ‘substantial feet’. And now I have YETI FEET!!! Why don’t any of THE books tell us all of this? I’m rather counting on Julia, to continue keeping us MORE ACCURATELY ‘clued-up’ …

      • ha ha ha! I went out shopping for shoes just a few days later….I was a size LARGER! lol Although that doesn’t concern me too much! (they’re cute shoes, so who cares?! lol). Thanks again, Miss Lynn! I always love your comments! xoxo Julia

  8. mark Johnson

    Love your writing. You are my hero!

  9. Elaine Irey

    Love it Julia !!! I am not looking forward to the shopping which I have been out twice already no luck as of yet. I really thought I was losing it till you said that about our feet and don’t forget heels will kill ya wthin an hour!



    • No heels for this girl, Elaine! ha ha! I’ve already purchased a pair of white strappy wedges….in a half size bigger (thank you very much! lol)! I was lucky to find the dress I found – shopping for casual clothes is a lot more difficult than shopping for something dressy. Good luck! And thanks so much for reading! Can’t wait to see you in a couple of weeks! xoxo Julia

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  11. Been there, done that. Have fun buying a new bathing suit, no THAT is humbling.
    Ruth from At Home on the Road

    • Ruth, someone just asked me the other day if I had “a suit”….I almost thought he meant a business suit, and when I realized that he meant bathing suit, I just laughed. Then I grimaced at the thought……lol Thanks so much for reading and leaving a note! It’s so nice to have a new blogger friend! Take good care! xoxo Julia

  12. But yet another intelligent weblog! Completely cannot wait for a whole lot a lot more! 158932

  13. I needed a laugh and read this post at just the right time.

    Here I sit in the comfort of my air-conditioning… Sorry about your loss of a/c on such a hot day. I sympathize. Loved the pictures.

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