I hate shopping. It requires two things guaranteed to make me crabby: trying on clothes and looking in a full-length mirror. Both are pure torture. Ugh!
No longer able to deny the addition of my 25 lb muffin top or my upcoming 35th high school class reunion, I walk into the fashion outlet feeling fat and disproportionate, and packing, amongst other things, a very large attitude.
I seek camouflage in the form of a light, casual summer dress, and bring an armful of options into the ridiculously small, stuffy fitting room.
I disrobe and look in the mirror. And . . . gasp.
“Just breathe.” I whimper to the skinny girl within, as I stick my tongue out at the sweating, menopausal woman reflecting back at me.
“I swear something’s wrong with this mirror” I groan and hear a snicker from somewhere off in the distance.
I put the first dress on backwards. I struggle to pull it off my clammy self and in the midst of the struggle I get a muscle cramp . . . in – my – RIBCAGE! I have to bend over and just stand that way for a minute until it passes. Really? Are you kidding me?
The piped-in music starts playing some loud and unkind blend of rock and rap and it feels like someone’s poking me in the eardrums with a stick. Good grief, I’m getting old.
I try on several more dresses to no avail and the incredibly small airless room begins to close in.
“Just breathe.” I chant.
I put on one dress that is so ill-fitting that it gets stuck somewhere between mid-muffin top and my monstrous mug and requires a concentrated effort to get off without damaging the dress or dislocating an arm.
An hour later, I emerge from the fitting room wringing wet and exhausted.
I nod at the attendant who looks at me questionably as she counts my damp, wrinkled rejected dresses and takes the plastic, blue, number-of-items ticket from my sweaty hand.
Although I am emotionally, physically, and financially spent, I leave the store triumphant, because I have somehow discovered the proverbial needle in a haystack; a cute new dress that will serve my needs well. It’s colorful and casual camouflage!
Shoes and accessories?
That’s for another day! It should be shopping that’s easier on my ego though. I don’t know . . . do feet gain weight?
Sheesh, do I need bigger shoes?!